This is my life story, I gathered all of my courage to write it here.

HELP, SOMEONE. GIVE ME ADVICES.

I've been hiding so much things, so much until I can't elaborate now, in my private blog.

I don't know why I've changed to the once happy-go-lucky and sociable me to be sucha weirdo.

Every now and then my dad will find me sitting at the staircase alone, and he'll presume I've no friends and became anti-social.

I don't like that at all.

I like to be known by everyone as someone popular and well known, I'd hope to.

Yes I am in the past, but now, what's gotten into me now?

Even those friends of mine who are supposed to be having friends way less than me are having more friends than me now.

Tell me, what does that induce?

It clearly induce that my personality has changed, and I'm losing my personality, my friends.

Sometimes even, I've to send text messages to myself to let my friends know that I'm still as popular as the past, where everyone knows me, the well-known girl in my clique of friends, in school and in places I've hanged out at.

I'm so afraid I've contract autism.

I know this can be detect from young but no, not in my family.

My brother who's two years older than me only gotten this when he gone up to high school.

After repeated bullyings from his peers, he did not stand out for himself yet, wallows in self-pity.

Me? I'm the total different.

I'm also once-bullied for being known as "armpit-毛", a nickname those nasty boys from my secondary one class gave.

I ran out of the classroom in tears then, and there's this secondary four boy who came up to me and consoled me, and at the same time, is more than willing to find out the culprit who made me cried and claims he'll protect me from all harm.

Soon, I became his god-sister and afterwards, his 'stead'(girlfriend).

Yes, things changed because in this way, all my classmates gave me respect because they know I've secondary four boys, the seniors, to look after me.

But things changed.

I've got to know he only falls for me because I resembles his ex who just broke up with him.

I began hanging around with his friends still, but not with him.

I'll not elaborate anymore on my secondary one's life, now proceed on to secondary two.

I became one kinda aloof and solemn in class, because I thought that's how I wanted to maintain my level of superior, and reign over my classmates.

But no, I'm wrong.

It's because I'm like this that's why a girl who always respected me began shouting at me and snatched away my bestfriend.

Okay, talking about this bestfriend of mine, she's a bad-girl, bad-girl indeed.

She can runaway from home as long as a year, despite being only thirteen years of age.

But at that time, I respect her for that, being able to fend for herself at sucha tender age.

I began to follow her footsteps, that I once even smashed my brother's window, attempting to make a hole then put his blanket over and climb out of it as my mom locked the gates and doors.

After which, I got to know a guy named William, who's an ex of Karen(a girl who's way worse than my bestfriend).

This girl have been in and out of the Girls' Home umpteen times, and because of that, she became so rugged to the extend she's able to scale walls which many of our guy friends in our clique ain't able to.

Whao, this is another girl who gain my respect, more than my bestfriend, all because of her 'bravery' and 'courage', I thought.

So this William, he's being so good to me. He's always just a phone-call away.

Everytime when I'm out with my friends, he's willing to wait for me like hours and hours, and no matter where am I, being in the other end of the country, he'll rush over if I'd give him a call or text.

One time when I'm in Tampines, he's willing to rush over.

Another time when I'm with my family in Marina Bay, he's willing to come all the way over to Marina Bay's KTV and pay for all the expenses.

Sadly, I took it for granted and rejected.

Then there was once I had a huge argument with my mom, and just a phone-call from me, he's downstair my block.

I was wondering, is he God? If not, why is his speed so fast, just a phone-call and he's here?

Don't tell me he's waiting under my block 24-hours a day?

Or rather, his family is rich to the extend to chauffeur him in a plane/helicopter over?

There was once he reached woodlands so late, and he cabbed over at around 2am in the night, just to take a glimpse of me from below the block.

He asked me to open the windows and he's right there standing, with his friend.

He's really the best guy I've ever met, I don't even know where the hell did he imparted this 'chasing girl's techniques' from.

Back to the day of the huge argument, he was just below my block the next minute.

I was really upset then, over the heated argument I had with my mom.

William consoled me, asking his friend and his friend's girlfriend to go somewhere first.

He consoled me, hugged me in his embrace, and I swear that's the best hug I've ever had, although it doesn't consists of mouth-to-mouth kiss.

Just a warm hug, it beats all other 'kisses', 'intimacy' and 'tongue-to-tongue' hollow.

Yes, it really does.

Though I've been in a tongue-to-tongue and many more intimate stuffs with my ex like touching his penis, letting him touch my breasts, getting all intimate, but yet, I just don't feel love that way.

It's this hug, where I really felt love.

Especially now when I feel like I've been shun out by everyone, I need this hug so much, once more. But, can I?

Back to the story, he rode me all the way from my house(woodlands), to his house(ang mo kio) on a bike, which takes more than three hours.

We were really tired, cold, desperate and sticky then, and we could just stop our bike at any spot of the highway and doze off.

But no, William always thought of giving the best to me.

He continued riding and riding and riding.

There was a "L" shape in the expressway which is god-damn cold, he was the one riding and putting his arms over me, he should be the one feeling cold.

Instead, he took his jacket off and sacrificed it for me, wanting me to get warmth.

Despite tired legs, hot sweat, sleepyness, he overcomed it all to give me the best.

He also asked his friend to overcome his sleepyness and concentrate on riding his girlfriend, because only that way can we all reach our destination fast.

And after all the perseverance, yes we did, finally.

Upon reaching our destination, we were so tired.

And thus, I did not looked out at where my hand was pressing at when I tried to prop myself up from the bike as my butt was painful after hours of sitting that position.

I pressed his penis. Yes, I pressed his PENIS!

And the look on his face was in great pain, I immediately grabbed hold of his face, looking into his eyes and saying I'm sorry.

He kept insisting he's okay but no, I know he's not.

When we reached his house, we were too tired to even think of bathing and we straightaway pounced onto the bed and fall asleep.

Though we were sleeping on same beds, he didn't even thought of getting intimate with me, instead just by hugging me throughout the night's sleep, he's more than satisfied.

I swear there's no guy better than him(unless you're refering to drama-serials).

But despite all those he's done, I don't feel the 'love'.

When he hugged me, he slept very peacefully throughout.

Me? I was hot over heels, sweating all over and in a fixed position because I can't possibly move when he's sleeping so soundly.

Moreover, there's only one tiny fan in his room.

I heard his snores, followed my his friend's and his friend's girlfriend's on the opposite bed.

I looked over and indeed they were sound asleep.

The next day, I woke up with less than an hour of nap, because I'm really hot.

At that time, another chaser of mine, Sebas called.

I rejected, because I thought it'll be damn unfair to William if I entertain my chaser's call despite having him already.

We stayed over at this house for two days, and the next day, we went back woodlands.

Went to meet his friends and those fucking bitches were like saying: "She's afraid to come over because she's scared that we'll beat her lah.  She dare, she come lah."

Like, what?

And William didn't even answered them back from me.

I'm fired inside, but I didn't dare to show it out then.

Because they look like really fierce ah-lians(a term for ill-mannered yet sexy girls in singapore's slang).

So, I went off and met Karen.

She's also another good friend, coming up to me when she know I'm having trouble, running away from home and all.

Yes, I know she would understand.

We went to a basketball court and talked to me how her life is.

She has tried taking all kind of drugs, inhaling and sniffing glues, jumping from multi-story carparks and high-rise buildings, and yet, she's alive right here, sharing her life story with me.

I didn't know at that point of time I'll be blogging this two-and-a-half-years later.

Soon her friends came, I was still crying then over some heart matters, alot which made me too confuse to elaborate.

Many, love-life, family-disputes, self-disappointment, alot.

She even gave me ideas how to run away when I tell her that my dad may be coming nearby to look for me.

She said she'll get her guys to knock against my dad, distracting and blocking him at the same time so that I can make my escape.

I was confused then, because my chaser(Sebas) was among her friends, and I can't possibly ask him to get lost or ask her not to call him.

They're her friends afterall.

We went to 888 and met one guy which is my schoolmate.

I thought he's kind to go and meet my dad, but he stole my SIM card lying that he's given it to my dad.

Okay, let's not talk about this, it makes my blood boil.

Skip to the next part, so that's how I'm unable to contact William the next day.

I tried calling him using public phones but his handphone is off.

Karen need to go off somewhere so I used her phone to text William's friend and he asked me to hang around block 801-810 and he'll come over with William to find me once he's contacted him.

I waited and I waited, no they didn't turned up after so long.

I was desperate, so I went home.

I did not really opened my house door nor did I knocked.

I was just lingering in the corridor when my mom coincidentally opened it.

I thought my mom was happy that I came back but instead, it was just a ploy.

She said it so calmly that she was only bringing me to the Police Station to write off a statement that I returned home.

Little did I know it was a grilling session, the worst time I had in a police-station ever.

They threatened to handcuff me, and locked me in he police lock up.

It was all dark, and all I can do was sit there.

They even threatened that if I were to be more defiant, they'll throw me in the dark lock-up with handcuffs on.

Of course I'm terrified then, being in a pitch-darkness place with handcuffs on?

It's like being kidnapped, no way, I'll be so scared.

They even said they'll straightaway send me to Jurong Police Station where I'll be in the lock up there until the next morning, then the police's van will send me over to the Girls' Home.

I apologized, and I swear it's the first time in my life I'm talking so nicely to someone who's not my friend, and not being courteous to me in the first place.

Because I'm so afraid of going Girls' Home, I'll be bored to death there, some more there'll be much worse ah-lians than me.

Finally, I'm out from hell(the fucking police station), a sigh of relief.

Went home, and I placed one of my spare SIM card and texted William.

There's no reply from him.

The next day, I did not get any replies from him either.

No missed-calls nor texts.

I'm fucked-up but at the same time, worried.

But I was thinking back the hell I've spent through the night before at the police station, I need to share it with someone, and that person is definitely him.

The next day I also waited, no reply.

I texted his friend and he was like: "How I know, you text him lah."

His friend was also once very nice, what happened to him, or rather, them?

One replied in a very nasty tone, and the other didn't even bother?

I did not know what to do, so I sent his friend.

If you really don't wanna cooperate and tell me where is he and he refusing to reply me, tell him we'll break.

I know I sent it in a moment of impulse, but, isn't that what I suppose to do instead of waiting years and years for his reply like dramas?

No way, I regretted my decision, but I don't know what other ways could help.

After I sent that, I got no reply from his friend nor him, and I began to think of this possibilty.

Could it be that he got probation from hiding me in his house when I ranaway?

My thoughts ran wild...

And I began to reminisce of the good times we had, how sweet of him.

I remember the times he would call me out for supper at a ridiculous time of 12am.

Knowing that my mom won't allow, I still wanted to go so much.

And he would wait at the supper place which is a coffeeshop right behind my house till the wee hours, right until the next morning when he would call me out for breakfast.

All the thoughts kept running through, making me cry over my foolish decision and he'll never contact me again...

But all those thoughts did not last, I know if we're meant to be we'll be together no matter what.

But if we're rather not, I'd rather erase this memory.

Proceed on to my life after that, after mid-year of 2006, the second-half of my secondary two's life.

I went to school, only to realise my grades have fallen drastically.

It was also then I argued with my bestfriend in school, causing our relationship to sour from bad to worse, and the girl who's always eyeing to snatch her away from me finally succeeded.

Great, I was friendless in school from that time on.

Routined, every day straight after school I'll return back home, and that's what which made my mom took advantage on, and sometimes when school ends at 2 and I come back later than 2.30, she'll scream and shout at me.

What can I do?

Lock myself in my room and blast music.

Life went on that miserably until I went back to church.

I found friends again, and I look forward to every saturday.

I even made many friends at church, which my mom approved of.

Like whao, first time she's being so good.

She booked a hotel somewhere at town during christmas eve, called Swissotel.

And she even called my church friends, three guys, plus my brother.

We were out the whole day at town while my mom rest in her room.

We were doing all sorts of things, screaming and shouting upon the christmas's countdown.

The atmosphere was simply amazing.

I saw some of my other friends and we met up, doing crazy stuffs.

So I told my three church friends I'll be back later, I'll call them.

At last, I so thought of overnight-ing with my friends, but mom didn't allowed.

The other three including my brother went back to the room first, and they nearly got lost.

Thus, they've to knock every single doors on the eighteenth's floor to find the actual one.

This 'CH'(one of my church friend) came all the way to Marina Bay's MRT to sent me back hotel.

We were crazily smoking and pulling each other's shirts below the hotel which invited unwanted stares from passerbys.

No we weren't drunk, just high.

Gotta get high since I can't overnight wth my other bunch of friends.

He told me his life-story and said I'm from GLH. (I'm long not.)

Nah, I'm not, but his life-story did touched me somehow.

Went up hotel and we sprayed the soapy-looking thing at each other.

All of us were anyhow shooting, CH sprayed my hair till I've to hide under the blanket.

J sprayed into my eyes which was so painful that ZD shouted at him.

Except my brother, he's kinda 'anti-social'.

Don't look down on J anyway, he's a caregroup leader as of now.

CH went home as he promised his mom, he's not a mommy's boy, just fillial.

I simply couldn't get to sleep so I intend to sit the whole night at balcony.

ZD was one hell of a good, he accompained me throughout the night till dawn, 6am.

We chatted everything under the sun.

About how my life became this way, and how he's being beaten by his dad till his leg is fractured by the metal pole his dad used to clobber his legs.

Now I understand everyone has his each and own problem.

6am, we turned in to bed.

Around early afternoon, all woke up.

ZD and J went off and only our family was left.

We headed back home awhile later.

Things were all fine, with my church friends, familes and all, until...

One day, after my church, I received a call from my friend.

The which I didn't get to overnight with during christmas eve.

He wanted to meet me at yishun.

So yes, I agreed, because I so wanted to widen my circle of friends like the past.

And yes I did, I gotta know X and his bunch of friends.

But sad to say, he is in the RTC for selling drugs, yeah I mean REAL drugs, despite being only seventeen years of age.

We went and watch 'Death Note 2', and proceeded to supper at a nearby coffeeshop.

I was not feeling well that day, so I returned home puking and lying flat on my bed.

And because of that, my mom assumed that I was out drinking, given the state I was in.

I remember vividly, that day was 30th December 2006.

The next day was New-Year Countdown, I got up very early to watch Project Superstar and preparing to go for the countdown.

I went to bathe and came out, only to realise that she's gone locking the gates and doors.

I was feeling all uptight, and I can't possibly smash the window if I don't want a second-round of the Police Station's case.

So I controlled, being locked up inside the house.

And one more thing, she cut off my handphone's line and confiscated away the house phone and hidden it somewhere.

So just imagine, people counting down happily at some lively areas and I'm cooped up in the house, not only not having my dearest handphone, but house phone is also being taken away.

It's no different from prison, right?

I controlled to the maximum, until when it as approaching 12am, I broke down in the kitchen in tears.

I was searching frantically for sleeping-pills, because I know I can't sleep knowing that my friends are somewhere around celebrating the countdown.

I opened the fridge, swallowed five panadols at first.

I know it wasn't enough, because I really thought of sleeping, and I mean sleeping forever - DIE.

So I took ten, and proceeded on to fifteen, then finally, twenty.

I was still alright until the time of the countdown, I was feeling all weak and hot over, the reaction of the panadols did not render me asleep but rather, I was going through hell and puking all night long.

I sat on the toilet floor and vomited every minute but yet I still felt weak as if I'm having fever to 100 degrees, I swear I could just die, there, then.

The next morning, my mom came into my room when she returned home after spending a night out.

Because she heard from my dad he found panadol's slips in my room and all those in the fridge were gone.

She came into the room seeing me all pale, with many penknife's scratches on my arms.

Yes, I scratched myself with penknife until I could really bleed.

All because I wanted to forget the misery of being at home with totally NOTHING on New-Year's Eve.

She immediately called the ambulance, and when the nurse came up my room, she gave me a jab into my thumb.

It was surely painful but I could not feel a single thing because the suffering I'm through that single moment is way worse.

The stretcher was brought up to the eighth-floor(as there was no lift to the ninth-floor then).

The nurses helped me down to the eighth-floor, then i was put on the stretcher all the way to the lift, how shameful.

The ambulance seems to be taking ages to reach the hospital, and I'm already feeling like I could die on the spot.

Upon reaching the hospital, I puked non-stop.

And the doctors said they can't put a tube into my stomach and suck out all the panadols as I've taken it the day before and it's been too many hours thus, the panadols have dissolved into my blood streams.

Two very thick needles were poked into my each arm and that caused my arm to have a very very huge blue-black mark even after discharge.

During the stay, I can't even move about on my own, I have to depend on the nurses to help me push my drip while I walk.

I can't even bathe for almost a week, all thanks to the drip which was stucked onto my hand.

I had more than 20 blood-tests and injections throughout my stay.

I was even more lonely when stormy nights with thunders came, and no one was here, and I'm all alone lying in my hospital bed.

I cried, I surely cried until my eyes became swollen and red the following day.

I was happy when I discharged, but at the same time, I've to return to school as I've already missed one week of secondary three due to my hospitalization.

And by the way, I've dropped from Express stream to Normal Academic(a worse stream definitely).

There's this girl which is quite close with my bestfriend which I've fallen out with last year.

She's a malaysian girl so she often live with my last year's "bestfriend".

She texted me making me feel alive again, as I felt I've friends in school again, once more.

I began to got close with her and her clique of friends too, they're sure nice people.

Then this year, our school instilled something called the 'Step-Up Programme' for "problematic pupils"(they claim), to attend.

Hell, and it started off with thrice a week, no attendance you must provide a valid reason.

Because of this 'Step-Up Programme', there's this guy all call him 'SS', have fallen for me.

He's always persistent, even waiting for me when I've remedials, or stayback by teachers because of incompleted maths questions.

Then again, I had another heated argument with my mom, and I rashly ranaway from home again, of all the time, the day of Chinese New Year's Reunion Dinner.

I stayed in my classmate's house, a bestfriend of the malyasian girl who texted me during my hospitalization.

I stayed one whole day in her house and even joined in their reunion dinner.

Then, I went off to meet SS, who wanted to meet me.

I met him at a park near my house and I swear it was god-damn boring because he's not at all like my last ex, William.

He's so shy and he don't even know how to entertain girls so I was almost dying of boredom.

We walked to NorthPlaza and grabbed a bite and there, I saw my "bestfriend" of last year.

She offered to give us a free-lift(she'll pay for the taxi fare from NorthPlaza to Causeway Point).

So okay, we both agreed and off we went.

We were about to catch a movie when these two girls, my enemies, but at the same time, a friend of my last year's "bestfriend".

Confusing? Try to grasp what I'm talking.

So I pointed to one of them and the other shouted something in a sarcastic tone: "Talking about others when you yourself ain't any better, a bitch is forever a bitch."

I controlled, then the other girl walked off after buying ticket saying something like: "Oh My God, a bitch spoilt my movie's mood!"

So then, I burst out and say, "Aiyah, a fat bitch talking to the door, looking like shit still got the cheek to comment about others."

Then I rest my head at the ticketing counter.

They were in a rush for the movie, so they didn't talk much.

When I and SS was about to go our own way after what has happened, this "bestfriend" of mine says the other two girls wanted to talk to me after the movie.

We walked all the way to 824 to wait for them, but it was so long, and they did not turn up.

Moreover, this "bestfriend" totally shun us so what are we supposed to do?

Take the initiative to talk to her or ask her what time their movie ends?

So we went off.

They were god-damn angry and hurled vulgarities in SS's mobile and as he was the shy kind, I replied with my name saying you're finding for me, not SS, wanna shout, come and shout at me, not him because he did nothing.

So, they wanted to meet when school reopens after Chinese New Year on wednesday.

Yeah, all hell broke lose that day, I was beaten.

They even videod that clip down.

They wanted to call SS down but I did not want to get him involved.

So I endured through, and went home with bruises, scars and blood all over, which made my mom mistook I was involved in a fight.

The next day, SS was so concerned for me when I walked limping, but I denied, saying I sprained it on my own.

I knew he would've guessed so.

We continued attending our 'Step-Up Programme', and forget all these bad memories.

Until then, a malay guy called A, likes me.

He even took intimate photos like putting is face almost touching mine in front of SS during 'Step-Up Programme'.

Soon, SS did not like me anymore, and it was A.

He liked me, but he didn't told me.

Instead, he told my friend.

So I did not cared much.

My other half of my secondary three year was fine, mixing around with bestgirls of my class, being even closer than blood sisters.

Going movies, chalets and shoppings together.

Even many overnights, because she don't wanna be alone.

Finally, she found her dream guy(thought they're not on very good terms despite knowing each other for one year already).

And during the end of November, I went to America.

During that one-month's trip, I really felt the warmth of my family.

I mean those over there who looked after me when I'm so sick.

Especially my second-brother and his wife.

And overall, it was fun over there.

Being in Hollywood and Disneyland, I never dreamt that I'll be visiting such a place given my bad relationship with my family!

Soon it was 2008, this year, my secondary four year.

Also known as my last year in secondary school if I score badly for my 'N' level.

Nevermind, my school hates me anyway.

They find me a problem and I bet they can't wait to get rid of me any sooner.

It was also a fine year, everything went on smoothly and we're happily together staying out overnight.

The first day of school, one of my bestgirl was caught for dyed hair.

I accompanied her as my hair was also dyed, so we're being sent home.

Her dad fetched her, and I made my way back on my own because my parents are busy.

Met her and we went shopping happily while the others are studying in school.

It's a blessing in disguise for being sent home.

Until one fine day, A admitted he like me, but also said I'm too wild.

But he say he like, because he is even wilder than me(he admits).

Sad to say, we broke up less than week later.

Only a week and I cried damn badly in class and infront of the whole school.

Because I'm simply too deeply in love with him back then, the protective kind of guy.

One of my bestgirls then accompanied me to gorge ourselves at Mos Burger to the maximum to forget all miseries.

We were full, and off we went home.

Soon, it as June Holidays.

Me and my bestgirls often meet up too, one time at Admiralty Park because it's her brother's seventeenth birthday.

We bought flour and splashed at him.

Instead, some of us got our breasts filled with flour when one of the girls poured flour in.

We were close until something my bestgirl said, which hurt me deep.

Then, I blogged many bad stuffs about her like: "If you're not better than me, quit fucking around with me."

I think she roughly know I'm refering to her, so out relationship drifted apart.

Plus, I did not attend school very regularly despite the fact that I've to take my 'N' level this year.

I became not so close with the other girl too, the malaysian one.

I can see and sense it too, from the first person on their list in their friendster's featured friends to the second row.

Nevermind, no use putting the first picture when we're not even close.

And now, although I still hangout with this girl which I've once blogged bad about for shoppings and job interviews, we aren't like the past where we could share everything under the sun.

I can sense she's keeping alot from me, and me too, I know I've been behaving very strangely towards her because there's simply too much dark secrets I won't want her to know about me.

Yes, I know she can sense I'm behaving very weirdly too.

Because even I myself can sense it myself, wondering whether have I got autism.

No one knows about this, not even my closest kin nor my closest friend.

I dare to let it out here because none of you knows me, so I've the courage to.

If not, I won't have the courage to tarnish my reputation, suspecting myself from contracting autism.

Talking to myself, texting myself yet claims that it's from others...

How desperate can I become?

Folks, this is really a very lost post which I've typed for more than three hours.

Right from 1.30am to 4.30am.

Because I know if I don't vent this out, I'll die.

So if you've read this, please give me some comments.

I hate my life, I really do.

Some things may sound good but none of it lasted long.

And now, I'm hating my life the most after living sixteen years on earth.

Because on other occasions I know what's wrong, but not now.

I just feel that I can't socialize anymore(which is so unlike me).

And I don't know how to return to the past's me, I want to but, I can't!

Please God, help me...

Life is just terrible, especially when you don't know the cause of your misery.

That's why I hate life, why do people live in the first place?

No one should live in this meaningless world, everyone should just...

FUCK and DIE.